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So...it was definitely a loooong week at work. And most everyone I talked to felt it. Massive exhaustion creeping in with the dark and dreery Oregon weather. Even on the "sunny" days, it was dark.
As I mentioned in previous posts, I started the week at a Crisis Response training. It was interesting, but emotional, as we listened to accounts of grief and trauma and tried to prepare for supporting kids and families for future unforeseen grief and trauma. The amazing thing was, when broken into small groups a main focus for my small group was how to handle a crisis centered around suicide, all the while, a situation resembling this was occurring in our district.
A distraught and hopeless man caused the lock-down in two of our schools that very afternoon due to his threats of suicide with a handgun. Unfortunately, he completed this threat, which impacted not only his children but many other children and adults in the surrounding schools and community.
I was relieved that it was not my team on call this month, as I am not sure I would've been "up" for this crisis. Still...such a tragedy never occurs without impacting all of us. My thoughts and prayers are with this family.
I think about the statements made by the presenter of my training...
If someone dies of cancer, we say they died of a disease of the body. When someone dies of suicide, we need to see that they died of a disease of the brain. I do know this to be true.
Today. the loving support of friends and family makes me happy. Some days it is easy to forget these things are there...especially for those in crisis.
Yesterday I spent the day at an all day training for my Crisis Response Team on the subject of grief, and how to counsel others through trauma, grief, and crisis. The presenter, who is director at a Grief Counseling center, talked about things kids in her groups have said about their experience. It is amazing what kids know. Adults are forever trying to shield them from knowing things, only to harm them more by allowing their imaginations to fill in the blanks.
This was true for one of the kiddos she mentioned. A nine year old boy whose father died by suicide. The mom refused to tell him that dad had had an affair, which contributed to his death. So, instead of protecting him, this sent him into a frenzied search for what could be so horrible that his dad did, that mom would have to protect him from. He interviewed neighbors, trying to find the truth of how dad died. He felt there was a conspiracy and filled in the blanks with dad was a thief, a murderer, or some other heinous act that led to someone wanting him dead. Instead of being able to make meaning out of the truth, he was forced to struggle with finding the truth to get to the place of making meaning. The secret prolonged and complicated his grief.
All during the presentation I thought of my own kids. I hurt inside from the possibility that they might have to deal with mine or Eddy's death prematurely. How could they cope? But even without this loss, I hurt with the knowledge that they will for sure suffer losses that will cause them pain. That they have already suffered losses that cause them pain. This made me want to be a better parent. It made me anxious thinking of all the ways I am not preparing them for the world. Evan goes to middle school next year. Already I feel him slipping away to PEER world. It feels daunting sometimes trying to be a good enough parent. All my mistakes pass before my eyes as time ticks on.
The presenter also talked about Post Traumatic Growth. That sometimes we grow so much from our losses, they define who we are in ways we would never want to change, even if we could have back the thing we lost.
I need to let my children have their loss so they can have their growth.
Another 9 year old kiddo was constantly getting "hurt," in order to elicit attention. A three year old kiddo said to him, "some hurts are on the inside where no one can see."
Sometimes we have to bring the hurts out where others can see.
Today the wisdom of children makes me happy.
Okay, so a colleague of mine who is much more cheerful and funny has inspired me to steal ideas from her blog and write something that makes me happy each day. I don't know that I'll actually post each day, so I'll just post something I'm grateful for or that makes me happy each time I post.
At the moment I am quite sad, though. It's only September and already I've had to help a mom tell her daughter that dad committed suicide, call in a child abuse report about a little one being hit by his family, and today I got to visit a little guy in the hospital who just had half a lung removed and is probably going to die. I have to tell his classmates tomorrow that he's sick, and try to help his sisters cope at school.
So...what makes me happy today? I walked race for the cure. Today I am happy that my family is safe and healthy. I am happy that my work makes a difference in people's lives. I am grateful that I work with amazing people who are so dedicated and compassionate, and that my family is part of an amazing community with people I like and respect, and whose values I share.
