Wisdom of Children

Yesterday I spent the day at an all day training for my Crisis Response Team on the subject of grief, and how to counsel others through trauma, grief, and crisis. The presenter, who is director at a Grief Counseling center, talked about things kids in her groups have said about their experience. It is amazing what kids know. Adults are forever trying to shield them from knowing things, only to harm them more by allowing their imaginations to fill in the blanks.

This was true for one of the kiddos she mentioned. A nine year old boy whose father died by suicide. The mom refused to tell him that dad had had an affair, which contributed to his death. So, instead of protecting him, this sent him into a frenzied search for what could be so horrible that his dad did, that mom would have to protect him from. He interviewed neighbors, trying to find the truth of how dad died. He felt there was a conspiracy and filled in the blanks with dad was a thief, a murderer, or some other heinous act that led to someone wanting him dead. Instead of being able to make meaning out of the truth, he was forced to struggle with finding the truth to get to the place of making meaning. The secret prolonged and complicated his grief.

All during the presentation I thought of my own kids. I hurt inside from the possibility that they might have to deal with mine or Eddy's death prematurely. How could they cope? But even without this loss, I hurt with the knowledge that they will for sure suffer losses that will cause them pain. That they have already suffered losses that cause them pain. This made me want to be a better parent. It made me anxious thinking of all the ways I am not preparing them for the world. Evan goes to middle school next year. Already I feel him slipping away to PEER world. It feels daunting sometimes trying to be a good enough parent. All my mistakes pass before my eyes as time ticks on.

The presenter also talked about Post Traumatic Growth. That sometimes we grow so much from our losses, they define who we are in ways we would never want to change, even if we could have back the thing we lost.

I need to let my children have their loss so they can have their growth.

Another 9 year old kiddo was constantly getting "hurt," in order to elicit attention. A three year old kiddo said to him, "some hurts are on the inside where no one can see."

Sometimes we have to bring the hurts out where others can see.

Today the wisdom of children makes me happy.