Roller coaster of emotions

Today I was a roller coaster. I met with the sisters of the boy who is hospitalized in critical condition. We set up a system of support, like a "feelings box" where they can put their feelings written out into the slot, or write letters to their brother. After doing this for awhile they went to class. Later, one of them came back because she was too upset to be in class. She made a poster saying she loves her brother. After finishing it we went to put it in her backpack. She stopped and turned toward her teacher, clearly needing to say something. So I asked if she had something to tell her teacher. She couldn't answer. We moved closer to teacher, and waited. She just looked within herself trying to find the words. We waited. We supported. We tried to coax. Nothing verbally, but her eyes said it all. The emotions in them were so deep and so pure I started to cry. She needed to say, "I'm not okay. My brother might die, and I can't find the words to release the torrent of sadness and fear I am feeling. I'm not okay." All she could say--and only with our help--is "I'm sad." My heart aches. She and her sister are twins, but the three of them are so close in age, and have always been best friends, so it's more like they're triplets. This she was able to say. I am dreading the call that will come--in days, or weeks, or months, that changes it all forever. How will I support her and her family. It's hard to imagine.

I went to see my little guy who is being abused. He was in a special class. He was sitting up front, so excited to participate. He was reading along with the simple book, pointing out things in the pictures, answering questions that the teacher was posing. He was so proud of what he knew. He was super excited that "I can write my name. Do you want me to show you?" I reminded him of our deal--keep your hands and feet to yourself (don't hit or kick) and you can come to my office to see my rats. He hadn't remembered. At the end of the day I remembered, and ran to see how he did. He had a hyper day, but did SOOOOO much better in the "no hitting" department He was about to get on the bus. I held his hands and looked in his eyes and celebrated with him, " You get to come see me in my office tomorrow and pet my rats." " I do?" he said excitedly, then gave me a great big hug. I do adore that boy!!

Later I talked to mom of boy in the hospital. We talked about how to support sisters, and brother is doing the same. Mom was so grateful for all we're doing, and I thanked her for letting us help. It's so much harder not to be able to do anything.

On the way home from work I heard one of my favorite songs. I cranked the radio and sang at the top of my lungs. I got home while the song was still on, and sat in the car belting out the words.

Today, favorite songs on the radio, pure emotions, and sweet little kiddos make me happy.

Sweet, amazing kiddos

Today I went to visit the little guy who we think is being abused and taking it out on the kids in his class. Man was he adorable. First, he was very happy to see me. Sooooo sweet, his little face looking up at me. He was, of course, very good when I was sitting next to him. And what I loved the most...he was just singing away. His teacher, who I adore, plays a song daily about community and togetherness. He was just belting out the song, and knew ALL the words. He was not happy when I told him I needed to go, though I tried to remind him that I had a deal with him that if he didn't hit or kick anyone for the rest of the day, he could come see me in my office and hold my pet rats. Sadly, about an hour later I saw him going to the principals office :( Some kids you just want to adopt.

Children singing makes me happy.

Later, as I was teaching a class, I got paged by the secretary. When I got a hold of her she told me my kiddo whose dad committed suicide a week ago was crying hard and needed me. So, I had her take kiddo to my room and wait for me. I got to a place in my lesson where I could leave, and then went to my office to talk to kiddo. She had been writing from a prompt about a fun activity, then suddenly realized that the only person she does this activity with is dad. She began to cry in class. She had a substitute teacher, poor thing, so the plan we had in place for when she got upset was kind of compromised. Sweet little thing had to tell the sub her dad just died so she could come see me. Well, I was able to comfort her with a little TLC, my furry little rats, and some time alone in my room. After school I told her I'd take her home instead of her riding the bus, and we got a milkshake on the way home. This little act seemed to help a lot in the moment. We talked on the way home--She is so courageous and amazing. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to try to help in her healing.

Being a support person to amazing kids makes me happy.

Prayers and secret notes

Today as I awoke I was feeling exhausted, and down. I was thinking "how can I take a mental health day," because I couldn't imagine making it through the week without some solitude and rest. So I decided to pray. I don't usually find this noticeably works when I am depressed, but I was inspired by the mom who I helped tell her daughter that the dad committed suicide. And, I always want to improve my spiritual connection. So...I asked for energy and a positive attitude. To my delight, about 20 minutes later I felt amazingly better.

Then I thought about how I could spread this positive energy. So today I began a secret campaign to inspire others at my work. I started writing anonymous notes to co-workers about the wonderful things they do, and how lucky our school is to have them. I tried to pick people that others wouldn't necessarily compliment. I tried to be very specific to who they are in my compliments. I am going to have to pay closer attention so I can get to everyone in an authentic way, without being found out. I haven't heard their response. That would be a fun thing to be privy to. But...I am hopeful that it made them feel good.

Today I am happy about answered prayers, and secret notes of appreciation.

I made it through

I made it through today. I am so very tired. The kind of tired you feel down to your bones, where you feel like you don't know how you're going to get up and do it all again tomorrow. But you have to.

Today I am happy that some of my colleagues are wonderful enough to tell me how much they appreciate having me at the school, and "get" how hard my job is. They tell me I'm wonderful and they don't know what they'd do without me. It's hard not to poo poo their compliments, but deep down it means so much to me that they see me.

Attempt at happy thoughts

Okay, so a colleague of mine who is much more cheerful and funny has inspired me to steal ideas from her blog and write something that makes me happy each day. I don't know that I'll actually post each day, so I'll just post something I'm grateful for or that makes me happy each time I post.

At the moment I am quite sad, though. It's only September and already I've had to help a mom tell her daughter that dad committed suicide, call in a child abuse report about a little one being hit by his family, and today I got to visit a little guy in the hospital who just had half a lung removed and is probably going to die. I have to tell his classmates tomorrow that he's sick, and try to help his sisters cope at school.

So...what makes me happy today? I walked race for the cure. Today I am happy that my family is safe and healthy. I am happy that my work makes a difference in people's lives. I am grateful that I work with amazing people who are so dedicated and compassionate, and that my family is part of an amazing community with people I like and respect, and whose values I share.

Dark and depressing thoughts that no one should have to read.

Okay, I have no idea why I created a blog. I am definitely not telling anyone I know that I've done so. So who if anyone will read this? I don't even really know how blogs work. I do know that my first reaction to writing a blog has always been "I try hard to hide from other people what I'm really thinking, why would I post my thoughts for everyone to see!" And..."Why would anyone want to know what I'm thinking?!" Then there's the idea that if I'm somewhat anonymous on the blog...as in not telling anyone I know, maybe there's a bit of freedom in posting my thoughts to complete strangers. Kind of like a diary.

So why would I want to hide what I'm thinking from others you ask. Well, because it's a bit dark and depressing in here. Hence the title "plathitudes" to reflect my Sylvia Plath-like mindset. Not that my writing is anything like hers, just my propensity for dark and depressing thoughts. Anyway, if anyone is actually reading this, make me a little comment and shock me. Also, explain to me how you find other peoples' blogs in the first place. I really don't get it.